All the Wild Things That Happened In Episode 1 of ‘Married at First Sight’ Australia

Eeep! Here we go. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.

Married at First Sight 2021 has officially begun and someone grab hold of my baggage because there’s already so much to unpack.

“Australia’s greatest social experiment” is back, and so am I, sitting on my couch, armed with a glass of wine, ready to commit to the next three months just like these couples faux commit to each other. 

Not only is this the only love life I’m partaking in currently, but for the next little while, I’m ready to dive head-first into a relationship with ten couples and three experts, something that John Aiken is clearly thrilled about.

On tonight’s episode, we witnessed hens parties, bucks dos, two marriages and a whole lot of tule.

There were tears, fears, confessions, the introduction of a couple’s retreat and alas, even more tears — and that was just in the first five minutes.

We watched as singles, Bryce and Melissa and Jake and Rebecca, said “I Do” in front of a COVID-safe crowd, we cringed at their awkward vows and watched weddings that went full Taylor Swift — looks like a nightmare dressed like a daydream. 

But what really took Australia’s breath away? 

Here are all the wild things that happened on Episode 1, Season 8 of Married at First Sight Australia.

The Entire Season Was Recapped Into Five Drama-Filled Minutes

If you’re not ready for some spectacular drama, then you’re watching the wrong show.

To sum up the introduction, all you need to know is: the experiment has been “reinvented”, there are confessions, rivalries, name calling (“You’ve got the personality of a doormat! And that’s offensive to a doormat!”), “fake” and “disgusting” behaviour and someone is told to pack their bags.

There is a Sam Ball/Ines Basic cheating scandal all over again, a group retreat, more twists and turns, sparks flying everywhere and our friendly expert John, who still uses high school swimming carnival-inspired metaphors  (“You’re going to be thrown into the deep end!).

Finally —  Dr Trisha who? The shirt smelling doctor has left the show this season, leaving a vacancy for sex therapist and expert Alessandra Rampolla. We are now in the presence of greatness.

“Holy moley, guacamole” indeed! 

The Hens Night – What We Learned About Some of the Brides

Self proclaimed “Bogan Samantha”, 31, has worked her way up from nothing, has two sons, listens exclusively to country music and still doesn’t know how to pop a Champagne bottle, so there’s that.

Belinda, 29, has never been in a relationship, but before you ask (ahem, Samantha), she is not a virgin. She’s a self-confessed cat lady and is ready to find someone to marry or at the very least, pretend to.

Pilates instructor Coco owns her own studio, is psychic and is like a female Energiser Bunny. While she’s already at odds with Samantha, so far she has said the most relatable thing this season — she only rages until 8.30pm. 

And then there’s Melissa, 31, who has never been on a date. Talk about jumping in head-first (I’ve got swimming metaphors too) — but also, we must protect her at all costs.

The Bucks Party – What We Learned About Some of the Grooms

Bryce, 31, enters the experiment by calling out to his “wife” as if she will appear out of thin air and look, I’ve tried calling out “husband” before and it never works. Funnily enough, it doesn’t work for him either, so he settles on what he believes is the next best thing, beer. Unfortunately, he’s already forgotten his socks and is enamoured by the candles, so we’re off to a great start.

Personal Trainer Patrick doesn’t know why girls don’t find him attractive, and frankly, neither do I. That sort of confidence should be rewarded and besides, he says “Holy Moly, Guacamole!” and that gets my vote.

Bryce and Melissa’s Wedding – Richmond, NSW

For some reason, the experts believe that pairing a man who was previously engaged to someone else with the only woman who has never even been on a date sounds like a good idea. While we’re not too convinced this is a match made in heaven, we have to trust that John Aiken knows best.

As it turns out, Melissa is looking for someone who is “honest, loving and caring” and if past seasons are anything to go by, I have a sneaking suspicion we’re going to have to circle back to this later…

Melissa’s grandparents have been together for 56 years, a mean feat for not only this show, but for every real-life married couple everywhere. It’s here we meet her Poppy who says the secret to a long-lasting marriage is “love”. Move over Ben from MasterChef Junior, Australia has a new national treasure.

During the reception, Melissa tells Bryce that she’s been single for over 12 years. His reaction: “Yeah, Right.” Not as in disbelief “yeah, right” but like, just a regular old “Yeah. Right”.

Bryce then tells Melissa that he was engaged up until six months ago, which in a MAFS timeline, feels very close to the time he likely applied. Melissa is shocked and understandably wants to know if Bryce is ready to move on. 

Proving he is, the couple slip away for a sneaky first kiss, and for a moment, I begin to wonder if this is going to be the fairytale we have all been hoping for.

Jake and Rebecca’s Wedding – The Hunter Valley, NSW

Jake, 32, comes from a footy background and is also the founder and CEO of mental health charity, Outside the Locker Room. He is looking for someone who is driven, motivated and “someone who can be that support person”.

Enter Bec, 27.  She is all of these things and also a “sasshole”, so I’m thinking this could be either really, really good or really, really bad. According to Rampolla, Bec has a hard time “expressing affection”, which is concerning since she is on a show about doing precisely that.

Luckily for Bec, her bridesmaid Kristy arrives to see if she “is ready to take the plunge”. Kristy is fierce in the best type of way, and to be honest, we all need a bestie like her — but especially Bec, who says that she will run if she hates her groom. Cool.

“You just need to give him a chance,” Kristy says. “Don’t write him off as soon as you lay eyes on him.” And yes, this is a precursor for what’s to come because Bec lays eyes on him and she is not impressed.

Just like a Bumble profile, Jake looks Bec up and down and goes to swipe right, but Bec doesn’t love this. Like at all. In fact, the mere fact he had the audacity to give her the “oooh she’s hot” face and looks at her like she’s “sex on a stick”  is enough to make her run for the hills. 

Jake hasn’t even finished his vows and Bec is ripping him to shreds. She hates his smile (she’s a brusher twice a day with extra floss), his open shirt, the tattoos… need I go on? 

Blink twice if you need to be rescued, Jake.

The wedding reception is no walk in the park with Bec having absolutely none of her groom and then, when one of his family members questions whether she is “high maintenance”, the wedding may as well be over. No turning back now. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200…

It’s obvious that Kristy is the real MVP of the day, convincing Bec to give Jake a chance and asking her to at least look in his direction and thank goodness she did.

When the couple heads out of the reception for some “us time”, they break the ice and Bec tells Jake that she wants someone who will look at her like “more than a piece of meat” and it’s here that they seem to have “turned a corner”. 

Well, that was an emotional roller coaster.

Until episode two…

Married at First Sight continues Sunday to Wednesday on Channel 9.