Warning: This article deals with the topic of mental health and may be distressing for some readers.
Another night of “Married At First Sight“, another flurry of drama, and this week, Twitter has been buzzing about the topic of sex addiction.
Let’s set the scene. From the first episode, Melissa has been vocal about the fact that sex is important to her in relationships. During the letter writing challenge, Melissa revealed that she had previously been in a “loveless and sexless” marriage, so having healthy, regular sex is now a “non-negotiable” for her in her relationships.
“My biggest fear of getting into a new relationship, is that I’ll be thrust back into a loveless, sexless, no intimacy marriage,” Melissa explained. “That’s a deal-breaker for me.”
Over the course of the episode, Melissa’s ‘husband’ Josh became frustrated, noting that he was beginning to feel like Melissa wasn’t as invested in the relationship as she was in her sex life.
“I came on here to find someone,” Josh told producers, “but she’s just on here to f*ck someone.”
As the episode continued, we saw the couple list the things that they considered most important to them in a five-year plan.
Josh’s five-year plan included career, children, health, relationship and caring for their ageing parents. Meanwhile, Melissa’s centred around career, property, a healthy sex life, more kids and travel — “but with my amazing partner with a healthy sex life,” she added.
Upon hearing this, Josh said it was “clear” that the couple “want very different things” out of a relationship.
“I personally feel that you have sex as an extension of how you feel about someone, it’s not something you put into a five year plan,” he added.
Speaking to producers, Melissa stood firm.
“He knows that’s important to me,” she said, “so I don’t know why that was such a shock to him.”
Confronting Josh, Melissa said that she felt “rejected and judged” by him, which angered Josh.
“The sexual thing is for you to work out, not me,” he said. “If you want that to be something that is the defining personality trait of what you have, then that’s up to you.”
Viewers watching the reality dating show have been quick to react to the couple’s dilemma, with some going as far as to label Melissa “impossible” and a “sex addict”.
Melissa is impossible. It’s good that viewers see this. The assumption out there whenever there are relationship problems is that the man is to blame 95% of the time. Josh is the level-headed one here, with the patience of a saint. #MAFSAU #MAFS
— Peter Holland 🇪🇺 🇺🇳 🕊️ (@Vtone35) February 8, 2023
Josh just exposed himself with a deep, passionate plea for understanding and comfort, in the hope his new wife could end his tearful loneliness.
— 🐀 Ajax (@ajax_rants) February 8, 2023
Melissa brushes this off, demands more sex again & warns him that’s she’s left husbands before if they don’t step up.#MAFSAU #MAFS pic.twitter.com/sK3084ejpH
Mel is a sex addict and the show absolutely sucks for matching her with a sweetheart like Josh #MAFSAU
— Georgia 💗 (@melbourneswifty) February 8, 2023
To be fair, we don’t know enough about Melissa to truly understand where her desire and bluntness about sex comes from, and by now, we all know what the magic of reality TV editing can do to a person. But within the context of the episode, it certainly plays out as a tricky situation for the couples to navigate.
It begs the question: how would you respond to someone demanding sex from you in a relationship? And when does being into sex turn into a problem? We spoke to certified somatic sexologist, Alice Child, to get some answers.
What Is Sex Addiction?
“Sex addiction is a controversial topic in the sex education community, because unlike drugs or alcohol or other forms of physical addiction, it’s not actually listed as a diagnosable condition on the DSM-5 (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) in Australia” Alice Child tells POPSUGAR Australia.
“That said, research and lived experience has shown that excessive or compulsive sexual behaviours can develop in a way that negatively impacts someones life, making them feel as though they’re no longer in control of their desire or their sexual activity,” she added.
Child says that this can show up in different ways for many people, such as their porn habits, frequency of partners, masturbation habits or exhibitionist tendencies. All of these can be healthy, but if they’re negatively impacting a person’s life, it can be classified as an addiction.
But What’s the Difference Between Sex Addiction and Just Being Horny?
“Things such as a high sex drive, watching lots of porn, thinking about sex a lot, having multiple sexual partners and enjoying voyeurism, are not in themselves, an issue,” explains Child.
“You can have lots of sex and engage with sex in a normal, healthy and consensual way.”
Child says that sex, masturbation and other sexual behaviours can become an issue is when they’re having a harmful impact on either the individual or those around them. This could be thoughts or feelings of shame, feeling obsessive and not in control, declining mental health, deteriorating relationships, or when the person begins engaging in riskier, or even illegal behaviours. It could also look like engaging in sex and/or masturbation in place of other activities.
“When they notice it’s impacting the rest of their life, it can be classified as an addiction,” she says.
So, What Are the Signs of Sex Addiction?
“First, don’t diagnose others” says Child. “Although you might personally be concerned with their sexual habits, remember they might be enjoying their sex life and not identify as a sex addict whatsoever! Pointing the finger only ever increases sexual shame.”
However, if you suspect your partner may be experiencing addictive or compulsive sexual habits, these are the things to look out for, according to Child.
Excessive Masturbation or Porn-Viewing Habits
You might notice that either of these things are really increasing and getting in the way of other activities, says Child.
Falling Behind in Other Aspects of Life
According to Child, this might be in work, hobbies and/or social life, as a result of their frequency of masturbation or sex.
Secretive or Withdrawing attitude
Child says that this could look like a deterioration mental health, self-confidence, sexual confidence and in talking around anything surrounding sex.
Increased Shame
“Shame is a really big one,” says Child. We still live in a conservative society where sexual shame is very prevalent.”
That being said, it could be the cause of a sex addiction, as well as being the result of one. A person dealing with sex addiction may feel increased shame when talking about sexual fantasies and desire, as well as actually when engaging in the act itself.
Growing Desire for Risky Sexual Activities
This could evolve over time and look like not wanting to use protection or even having a relaxed attitude towards sex that isn’t positive, says Child.
It can be characterised as risky in a way that disregards someone else’s experience, or negatively impacting the sexual experience as a whole, but without real awareness or care.
What to Do If You Suspect You’re Dating a Sex Addict
Support them!
“If you and they feel like support is needed, show them that you’re on this journey with them by encouraging them to find the right support,” Child suggests.
“You can do lots of research online together, or find a local group therapy or sexologist that can support you professionally on this journey together.”
Sex addiction is something that lots of people experience and suffer with, says Child, and there are definitely things that can be done to help get a more healthy and happy relationship with sex and intimacy again.
You can find Alice Child on Instagram here.
If this article brings up any issues for you or anyone you know, or if you or a young person you know is struggling with symptoms of mental illness, please contact Headspace (1800 650 890) or chat online. If you are over the age of 25 and suffering from symptoms of mental illness, please contact your local GP for a Mental Health Assessment Plan or call Lifeline (13 11 14) or Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800), both of which provide trained counsellors you can talk with 24/7.
