Hear Me Out: You Can Still Please Men and Be a Feminist

I just wanted to jump on here and let you all know that pleasing men doesn’t mean that you’re condoning a misogynistic patriarchal society. Let me explain.

You’re allowed to flirt with men. You’re allowed to let a man touch your butt if you want him to. You’re allowed to enjoy giving men what they desire. It doesn’t make you anti-feminist.

I feel like sometimes we just need a reminder that men aren’t the enemy. In fact, men can be feminists, too.

Sometimes, I’ll even catch myself getting mad at my boyfriend simply because he’s a male. When he doesn’t feel like stacking the dishwasher but expects me to, I feel like saying “ugh, you’re such a dude”. But the truth is, I do exactly the same thing (not stack the dishwasher but want him to do it) and it has nothing to do with either of our genders.

With so much fierce feminist literature and pop culture energy out there right now, sometimes we can go a little bit too far. We may see men as troubled and problematic, and as a stereotypical gender that likes to be in control and do whatever the f*ck they want. These extreme and kinda unfair views, sometimes make it hard for us to just enjoy men.

And it’s important to enjoy them. It’s important to feel empowered to enjoy them. No one has to be in control. You don’t need to assert your power to protect yourself and he doesn’t need to assert his, you can just enjoy each other because you’re both consenting to it and you’re into it and that is literally all.

I don’t get this all-or-nothing mentality. We can learn things from men, just like they can learn things from us. How can we ever call ourselves feminist if we don’t believe in equality, and all genders working together to learn from one another?

A girlfriend once told me that I was a bad feminist because I accepted a drink from a random guy at a bar.

“He’s going to want something in return for that, you know,” she told me, in a warning tone.

I felt annoyed and undermined for two reasons:

1. I knew that he’d bought me a drink because he thought I was cute and I also thought he was cute which was why I’d accepted.
2. She’d assumed that because I’d let someone else do something for me, I wasn’t an independent woman who could do things for herself, like make decisions about who could and couldn’t buy me a drink

I felt empowered in my decision to accept the drink. I didn’t feel as though I’d signed away my power, by accepting a spicy marg from a cute guy at the bar. But I’m sure my friend isn’t the first girl to have rolled her eyes at another woman accepting a drink from a man.

It’s strange that such a small token can be seen as letting men take control.

The truth is, babes, we get to decide. Being a feminist is about setting boundaries. It’s recognising when you don’t feel comfortable, and allowing yourself to say no and walk away. It’s about knowing your worth and not needing validation from anyone — especially men — because we are so much more than our sexuality and physical appearance.

But, if you want to accept that spicy marg and he tells you that you’re hot and you like that, then maybe you’ll have consensual sex later and that’s a vibe.

We need to separate our worth from what men — or anyone else — think, and live life for ourselves, recognising our own power and going after the things we want.

If someone you don’t know touches you on the butt, it can be pretty scary. It might make you feel unsafe or dirty or creeped out, and that is not okay. Call whoever did that out, because they deserve to know that their behaviour is unwarranted.

But if someone you know touches your butt (even in public) and you like it, you’re goddamn allowed to.