I'm pretty comfortable with farts — my family used to go on long road trips in a cramped van in which I sat sandwiched between my brother and male cousin. When I was dating my now-husband, I was certainly diligent about keeping my own gastrointestinal experiences to myself, but once we got married, and certainly once we had kids, I really eased up. My husband? Not so much.
So, when Jessica Johnston, a mum to four kids, wrote about how her own husband "is really dramatic about farting," I felt seen. Or is it smelt?
In the hilarious Facebook post, she noted that when they were dating, her husband — who "farted under the stars, farted in the car, and farted in the silence between songs on the radio" — would actively try to get her to let one go to no avail.
"Then we got married and I decide it was time to get comfortable," she said. "'Break the barrier,' as they say."
Turns out, he wasn't ready. Here's what happened, unfiltered:
Apparently he thought my gas was going to smell like lavender or something because he was horrified. We have been married almost 13 years and he is still surprised my farts smell bad.
When I fart he acts as though I have physically assaulted him. He grabs his face, his eyes start watering and he demands "WAS THAT YOU???!!!!"
"OH MY GOD WHY IS IT SO BADDDDD!!!!????"
"Because I am a human person."
"SOMETHING DIED IN YOUR INTESTINES!!!!"
"Welcome to my world." I say calmly trying to give him my best bedroom eyes. "Want to make-out?"
"OH MY GOD AIR IT OUT!!!" He starts to panic like he is trapped in a small closet and is afraid of the dark. "YOU REEK!!!" He yells. He starts pumping the sheets up and down like in third grade P.E. when we practised team building with a parachute.
Jessica, like me in a similar situation, didn't let it faze her one bit.
"I remain calm because I am not surprised that my farts smell bad," she wrote before saying the truest thing yet. "This, children, is what marriage looks like."