The Bachelor Recap: Kisses and Pisses Told in 15 Tweets

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by Basmah Qazi
Twitter / @BOHpod

It’s episode three, and it opens with ol’ boy Jimbo driving a boat as he reminisces about his childhood, when he did fairly normal activities such as “driving dingies after school”.

Yeah, only you and your privileged upbringing Jim. I used to ride a mountain bike around the street and came home with scabby knees.

Anyway, he has a date with Ash, which BTW, I don’t remember him asking her out or having any sort of interaction.

Ash is kind of just thrown at us and we’re expected to roll with it, but that’s okay because Ash is actually really sweet.

Ash is a dance teacher who works with kids and is overall an upstanding citizen. I didn’t actually know they featured those kinds of people on this show.

Their date is on a secluded beach, away from prying eyes, as they dance and throw a frisbee at one another while Jimothy attempts to guess Ash’s age.

Spoiler alert: She’s 34.

To be fair though, she has incredible skin. Pretty sure she still gets ID’d when buying plastic knives.

Moving on, Jimmy hands Ash a pair of binoculars and proceeds to give some weird speech about them “signifying not looking to the future anymore, and to live in the present”.

Oooooooookay then.

She gets a rose and they make out.

Meanwhile, at the mansion, the women are wondering where the heck Ash is, as Brooke brags about being the first one to go on a single date with Jimmy.

Ash comes back with curly hair and apparently that’s everyone’s cue to tell her how pretty her straight her looked and how HORRIFYING she looks with her curly hair. Not in those exact terms but I like to add some spice to the commentary.

They ask her if she kissed Jimbo and she said she doesn’t “kiss and tell” — c’mon Ash, at this point Jimmy would kiss a trout if it was in front of him. There’s nothing to hide.

Sierah burns with jealousy which seems to be the norm every episode so I’ll spare you the details.

Fast forward and the girls all drive up to a lake to meet Jimmy and Osher, and the cameras show off Jimbo’s aeroplane tattoo.

I just … like… I get it you’re a pilot, but why would you get your profession tattooed on your back dude? That’s like me, a journo, getting a pencil tattooed on my shoulder.

Anyway, the women are required to dress up as superheroes and go flyboarding as Jimmy judges them from the sidelines.

With all the women dressed as low-budget superheroes, Sierah comes forward and claims her superpower is “piss”.

Yes, unfortunately, you heard that right. Sierah is once again talking openly about her bodily fluids.

She even went ahead and stuck “droplets of piss” on the front of her costume. I cannot make this up.

In the end, Carlie ends up winning the challenge and frolics off with Jimmy for their solo date.

Jimmy and Carlie have a chat, and I won’t lie, I reeeeeeeally like Carlie. It seemed the Jimster liked her too because he gave her a rose and kissed her straight after kissing Ash.

Weird but I don’t judge.

It’s cocktail party time, and the women come to a unanimous decision that they will not approach Jimmy, and instead, wait for him to approach one of them.

Jimmy decided Lily was the one he wanted to speak to, but five minutes into the conversation, Jay broke the pact and whisked him away to the business lounge.

Jay, who is a nutritionist, blindfolds Jimmy and makes him taste weird food as he guesses what she’s feeding him. Each time he gets it wrong, he has to remove an article of clothing.

Let’s just say … it was awkward.

At the rose ceremony, Osher walks in and says “good evening ladies” in his trademark I-smoke-a-pack-a-day voice.

As Jimmy starts to hand out the roses, Brooke becomes concerned. How dare he not call her name out first!? Doesn’t he know they’re married with 10 kids, living in the suburbs all in her head!?

Blasphemy.

He ends up calling Brooke’s name and she breathes a sigh of relief.

In the end, Chanel and Madison were sent home and I actually yelled at my television screen because HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO CHANEL!?

I will never forgive you, Jimmy.

Till next time.

The Bachelor Australia airs at 7.30pm Wednesday and Thursday on 10 and 10 Play.

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