We Asked Dating Coach Nicole Colantoni Everything You Want to Know About Attachment Styles
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‘Attachment style‘ can feel like one of those 2010s-era buzz phrases that gets thrown around a lot without meaning, right? But attachment styles are real, and we all have them. But let’s think about this — where exactly do they come from, and are they as cut and dry as the online quizzes we’ve all taken make them seem?
In the latest episode of POPSUGAR’s Love Rants, dating and relationship coach — and our very own dating columnist! — Nicole Colantoni helped debunk some of the myths that exist around attachment styles, and how they impact us. Speaking with host Melissa Mason, Colantoni gave her advice and expertise on the four key attachment styles, where they come from, and how to navigate relationships with people who have opposing attachment styles to yours.
What Are The Four Main Attachment Styles?
According to Colantoni, the four main styles are:
- Secure Attachment
- Anxious Attachment
- Avoidant Attachment
- Disorganised Attachment
They’re all born from different experiences growing up, but Colantoni stresses that we can adopt attachment styles from events that happen later in life as well.
“I always say your attachment styles are a product of what’s happened to you — it’s not who you are, right?” Colantoni says on Love Rants.
“They typically stem from those formative years, but it can also be a product of something that happens to you later in life.”
Colantoni also notes that it is also important to understand that just because you’ve identified that you have a certain attachment style doesn’t mean that you’re bound to that attachment style forever. Yes, attachment styles can change.
“They’re also not fixed,” she says.
“We can swing between different attachment styles. You can be anxious, but then you can also be avoidant… It just depends on the situation or the relationship that you’re in.”
Do We Attract People With Similar or Different Attachment Styles?
But do similar styles attract each other, or are we more compatible with those who have different ones? According to Colantoni, opposites attract.
“Anxious people are usually really attracted to avoidant people because they seem so cool and elusive, and then avoidant people are typically very attracted to anxious people because they seek out connection,” she says.
“But then what happens is we end up triggering each other and activating these underlying tendencies that we have and aren’t always apparent until we enter those romantic relationships. However, in the right relationship with clear, open communication and a safe environment you can work through those challenges. You can work through those tendencies and grow to be secure together.”
You can listen to Nicole Colantoni give more advice about attachment styles in full in the latest episode of Love Rants. But one key message she has for those who are struggling with an opposing style to them?
“Don’t take it personal.”
Listen to Nicole’s full episode of Love Rants above.
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