Hate-Fuelled Hook Ups Can Be Hot, But Are They Healthy?

It may sound like the plot of a low-budget porno, but hooking up with — or being weirdly attracted to — an enemy is actually more common than you’d think.

Though, “enemy” might be too strong of a word. You know those people you meet and instantly feel like you won’t get along with? You may have contrasting morals or opinions, they might be cold or hostile, or you might just get the vibe that they’re “not your type of person”?

Whatever the reason is, most of us have felt that feeling towards someone before — and then, strangely, felt attracted to them. So, what gives?

Years ago, I used to run into this guy everywhere I went and there was something about him that I didn’t like. He just got under my skin. Even still (or perhaps because of this feeling), I was attracted to him like a sort of magnet; whenever we were in the same room. We had this hectic eye contact — it was as though he was trying to figure me out — and I hated how much I liked it.

He was kind of rude. He’d always be super abrupt with me, he invaded my personal space (he used to come super close to me when we were talking) and he had this patronising tone whenever he spoke to me. Objectively, it was a bit gross. But then, one night, we ran into each other (again!!!) at a bar. We were both a bit drunk and he said I drove him crazy. Something came over me in that moment and all my reflexes from watching films and reading books about people that hate each other but then fall in love clicked into gear… and we started making out.

I mean, it was pretty hot. It was this passionate, somewhat animalistic, hours-long kiss that made me feel equal parts horny and challenged. It was as though both of us were trying to take control, but neither of us was letting the other “win”.

When I think back on it now, it seems like a clear battle for power. We were both unwilling to be emotionally vulnerable, so we covered it up with sassy sexual tension and rudeness. Part of me wonders that had we been emotionally open, would we have been attracted to each other from the get-go? Would there have been any tension at all?

“There’s an explanation for why we might be attracted to people we don’t like, especially when you consider that opposites often attract each other,” says Lysn psychologist Nancy Sokarno. 

“Science suggests that the biological part of a human’s attraction lies in something called the major histocompatibility complex (MHC) or the human leukocyte antigen (HLA). There is a theory that suggests the more different our HLA types are from one another, the more likely we are to find each other attractive.”

HLA is our DNA. They’re proteins — or markers — found on most cells in our body, and they work like pheromones. A recent study shows that HLA dissimilarity correlates with partnership and sexuality, and enhances the desire to procreate. This means that having different HLA types with someone scientifically allows for better sex and can make you physically attracted to someone without necessarily knowing why.

Now, this is all well and good, but it doesn’t explain why we might dislike someone with different HLA types to us. While HLA matching works within the idea that “opposites attract” scientifically, what about in a more personality-based way?

“Whether or not sexual attraction can be confused with dislike really depends on the person, but if it does happen, there’s a lot of other things at play,” Sokarno explains.

“There could also be underlying feelings like insecurity, fear of rejection or past relationship trauma that could cause a person to confuse their feelings like that. For example, if a person is feeling insecure around a potential lover, yet they don’t particularly like that person, they may also think that person is ‘out of their league’ and end up pursuing them. This isn’t a healthy way to approach relationships because it’s fuelled by either insecurity or fear of rejection.”

In other words, confusing your attraction to someone as dislike could be a type of protection mechanism.

“In relationships, humans often use various defence mechanisms which are an unconscious psychological strategy to avoid certain feelings or to protect ourselves. We rely on these defences to help manage our emotions, particularly in close relationships, where we often display our deepest emotions,” Sokarno explains.

“When it comes to disliking someone as a defence mechanism, I only think this would happen if a person is actively looking for reasons to not like them (perhaps due to fear of getting hurt or past trauma),” says Sokarno.

“Maybe this person had a difficult breakup and was keen to stay single to allow them time to heal, they might decide to ‘dislike’ someone as a way of avoiding getting into a relationship again. However, if that person delved deeper, they might find that they do actually like this person, they’re just trying to find ways not to.”

While this is quite a wholesome realisation — that our “dislike” was more a reflection of our emotional insecurity than actual hatred for each other — it doesn’t necessarily explain why hooking up with someone you “hate” can be so goddamn hot.

I can’t deny that I haven’t had some of the best sex of my life with people that frustrate me. It’s as though the frustration fuels the sexual tension, which makes the sex more passionate and intense.

It could all come down to simple exploration. Playing with power and control and exploring sexual kinks is a healthy thing for us all to do at different stages in our lives. When it comes to what we desire we’re all unique, and could spend literal hours unpacking the kinks we may have and why we have them.

But Sokarno also reckons it has something to do with the romanticised and sexualised behaviours we see through film and TV. For example, think of Kat and Patrick from 10 Things I Hate About You, or the entire plot of The Ugly Truth. “This is a fairly typical storyline that happens often in movies, but there, unfortunately, isn’t any data to prove it happens in real life,” says Sokarno.

“There are absolutely examples where it does happen, but it’s important to unpack the ‘why’.”

My friend, Sophie, has had this experience.

“It’s easy when you’ve grown up on a romance-diet of Chuck and Blair in Gossip Girl (problematic) Ryan Phillipe and Sarah Michelle Geller in Cruel Intentions (still hot) to think great sex and good love stories start with mutual hatred,” she tells me.

“Also, I was pretty bored and generally the guys I got into hate-relationships with were at least kind of funny — not staring at their shoes and avoiding eye contact with me.”

While I LOL knowingly at this relatable experience, she also admits that “once the initial sexy excitement fades you’re left with all of the fighting and none of the f*cking”.

“You’re left with someone you don’t like very much, who doesn’t like you very much — and probably for the same pathological reasons you both got into the relationship in the first place, you’ll both have trouble waving goodbye to the toxic dynamic you’ve forged.

“I’ve matured a little bit, but I can’t say I’ve ever been with someone I respect on a deep level. It sounds awful and very hurtful to the two totally fine guys I dated. I think 1, I’m hard to please and easily turned off by things like a bad taste in books, 2, hot ’90s movies have rotted my brain, and 3, deep-seated intimacy issues!”

So, while hooking up with someone you hate is wildly common and can be super hot — it’s perhaps a sign that you need to dig deeper and do a little bit of work on loving yourself.

“Overall, I think there are underlying concerns when a person sparks a relationship with someone who they didn’t like initially,” Sokarno says.

“The reasons for doing this could be very complicated, yet I question whether someone is fantasising about the fairy tale where enemies turn into lovers and there’s a happy ending.

“Ultimately you want to have a spark with someone when you first meet, rather than forcing something that wasn’t naturally there (or trying to create something more dramatic).”